


i keep you safe from harm, you hold me in your arms

by GrayJedi11



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders is a Sweetheart, Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Logic | Logan Sanders, Kissing, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, Logic | Logan Sanders-centric, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, also if youve read the summary yes it is enough, but its pretty bloody, god i cant help from writing angsty intrulogical, im not sure how much it counts as gore, part of it is during svsr, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26701426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrayJedi11/pseuds/GrayJedi11
Summary: Dear Patton, Roman, Virgil, Janus, and Remus,I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.Logan.Remus becomes his protector. He does everything he can to save Logan from his triggers, from his suicidal urges.Is it enough?
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 13
Kudos: 192





	i keep you safe from harm, you hold me in your arms

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicide attempts, self-harm (sort of), repression, self-deprecation and that stuff, food, kissing, lemme know if theres anything else

Remus hadn’t seen Logan all day.

It wasn’t like they were best friends or anything, but the creative side would often pass him in the halls, maybe spit out a gross fact or two, and occasionally get something of a smile from him. But Logan hadn’t come to breakfast, lunch, dinner, or even come out of his room.

He’d asked the others, even though they were wary why he wanted to know where Logan was. He was just… concerned. And it wasn’t like he was running around the imagination like a desperate, crazed lunatic.

He was just worried.

Remus had been wandering around the mindscape for a while. Most of the other sides had gone to sleep at this point, but he wasn’t one for a healthy or regular sleep schedule. 

Footsteps.

In all likelihood, it was Virgil. But he’d lived with the anxious side for a long time, and his steps were lighter and faster than this. He followed them.

He vaguely wondered which side would be up at this time. Janus and Logan were all advocates of self care, Patton had been on a 9PM bedtime since he was ten, and Roman always lamented about his beauty sleep whenever Remus came in to bother him. Even Virgil usually wouldn’t get up until 3 or so, and it was only half past midnight now.

Was that… crying?

It was coming from the direction of the bathroom. He sped up, curious as to who it was and what was going on. Light spilled out from the door, slightly cracked open. The sobs continued, and he ruled out Janus from the sound. Janus cried near-silently, if he even did.

He peered through the crack, trying to make himself as invisible as possible. Whoever it was, they weren’t in view of his position. Nothing but-

Their hand.

He noticed the watch around the side’s wrist. It was Logan. And he was reaching for…

_ The bleach? _

He paused for a moment, trying to decide why someone sitting on the floor of the bathroom needed bleach. He cracked the door open a little wider, adjusting himself so Logan’s leg came into view. He heard scribbling, perhaps on the floor, and then whatever writing utensil used being thrown to the side, the piece of paper floating to the middle of the floor, in Remus’s line of sight.

He didn’t like the look of this.

The sobs continued, feeling their full release now, and the bottle cap came off. Remus nearly panicked; if he didn’t go inside to see what Logan was doing, he might regret it.

He threw the door open, finding Logan leaning against the bathtub, tears streaming down his face, blood streaming down his arms. He’d slashed his wrists, and seemed to be using the last of his energy to bring the bleach to his lips.

_ No. No, no, no, God, please no- _

Remus clumsily wrestled the bleach from his grasp, which wasn’t exactly very hard to do, and shove it to the side. A bit spilled out, mixing with the blood pooling on the floor. He ravaged the cabinet, looking for something,  _ anything, _ to stop the bleeding. He tossed the things he knew he’d need on the floor and settled for a towel to stop the immediate flow.

He returned in front of Logan, trying to be as gentle as the panicked embodiment of intrusive thoughts could be as he tightened the thick towel around Logan’s arms. The logical side made no move to resist, probably exhausted, hungry, and dizzy.

“Why…” Logan’s word trailed off as the blood soaked into the towels and both he and Remus’s clothes. The metallic smell was overwhelming as it fused with the scent of bleach.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I don’t want you to die, idiot.”

Remus let Logan’s arms rest on his lap, making sure he wasn’t going to try anything or disrupt the arrangement. He shifted away from him to close the bleach and wash it off before replacing it in the cabinet. He looked around for the knife, finding its shiny blade in the tub, where there was more blood dripping from the sides. He snapped it from existence.

He picked up the note, sitting down cross-legged in front of Logan. The handwriting was fairly low-quality, and there were a few drops of blood and tears sullying it.

_ Dear Patton, Roman, Virgil, Janus, and Remus, _

_ I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. _

_ Logan _

It was short. And it hurt.

Remus pulled the towels off of Logan’s arms, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as well. He wet a washcloth, gently dabbing at Logan’s wounds. Remus could handle  _ anything, _ but the dark red lines almost made him feel sick. He did his best to avoid the tensing and cringing that would inevitably happen as he patched up Logan’s wounds. 

“You’re good enough,” he said suddenly, breaking the silence. He waited for a response, wondering if he was going to get one.

Logan hesitated, staring at the bandages numbly. 

“...Just don’t tell them. Please.”

He wasn’t ready to confront that, was he?

“I won’t.”

He finished, Logan waiting by the door as he mopped up the blood. While he would’ve been glad to let it sit there and terrify the others, that was suspicious, and if he didn’t, Logan would’ve tried to.

Remus whisked away the mop, joining Logan by the door. He wrapped his arms around Logan, the fresh smell of his shirt contrasting with the metallic scent filling the room. Logan took a step back, surprised, but Remus pulled him tighter so he wouldn’t stumble.

“Don’t do that again, okay?”

Logan didn’t answer for a moment, sinking into the hug.

“I… I’ll try.”

~~

Virgil grabbed him by the arm, pulling him through the halls to the bathroom where the other sides were flocked. It was the designated hair-dying day, and everyone had agreed. Except for Logan.

Virgil (and the other sides) knew how adverse he was to it, how desperate he was to be taken seriously. Yet they ignored him when he told them.

Remus was the one with the hoard of dye colors, tossing the ones he didn’t want aside for the rest of the sides to search through. Patton already had his color, a blue that was a little more saturated than Logan would’ve thought. Roman chose a deep, dark red within the next few moments, to no one’s surprise, and Virgil started chatting, trying to figure out if he should use the same color as last time or a new one.

The indigo blue, he had to admit, did look appealing. It was a rich color, and would fit nicely with his tie.

But…

He had other issues to worry about.

The other sides already didn’t take him seriously enough, and if he dyed his hair by choice it would push them over the edge. He’d be treated like an idiot, like he wasn’t worth even  _ pretending _ to listen to.

Remus was deciding between a dark forest green and a bright lime green, while Virgil had settled on his old color, and Janus was staring intently at a yellow.

“I might skip the coloring,” Janus began, “and just bleach it.”

_ Bleach. _

_ Bleach, bleach, bleach, bleach, bleach. _

“Sounds good.” Virgil situated the supplies, lining up their chosen colors. “Who wants to go first?”

Patton volunteered, and Virgil began preparing the powder. The smell grew, reaching Logan.

A wave of lightheadedness washed over him, and he felt as if he was choking. It took all of his strength not to stumble back or run out of the room in a panic. This was  _ stupid, stupid, stupid, _ he shouldn’t  _ feel _ this way. Panic was Virgil’s irrational torture that Logan would calm him down for, not a stupid memory of stupid things, stupid decisions, stupid thoughts, stupid  _ Logan, _ stupid, stupid, stupid-

“Hey, do you think I could get Logan to test this out on my clothes? I wanna see how it’ll stain if I use a lot of colors.” Remus wore a wide grin, grabbing Logan’s hand and dragging him out of the room. The other sides watched quizzically as they left, but Virgil would trust Remus enough to come back.

Once they were in the hall, away from the ears of the others, Remus set his hands on Logan’s shoulders. 

“Hey, hey, Logan, it’s okay, look at me.”

Logan did as he asked, focusing on the eyes staring back at him. He knew, he  _ should _ know how to calm down from this. Even if he wasn’t dying his hair, they might pressure him into it. They might  _ force _ him, and then what would he do, as it was unavoidable. Would he panic then? Would he  _ show _ that, that he was weak-

“Logan!”

He snapped back to attention, Remus’s hand running through his hair.

“You don’t have to go back. You’re not gonna die, and it’s not gonna hurt you. You’re here now.”

Logan took deep breaths, at least remembering that. Remus’s firm hold on his shoulders was comforting. He placed his own hands on Remus’s, pulling them down so he could get a proper hug instead.

“I’m sorry, Remus.”

Remus shook his head into Logan’s shoulder, tightening his hug. “Don’t be. Don’t ever be sorry for feeling bad.”

Logan nodded, clutching Remus like a lifeline. 

“Do you wanna hang out in your room while we do our hair?”

“That sounds… good.”

~~

Patton cut up the pieces of beef into little squares, tossing them in the pot. Remus was messing around with the spices, offering his combinations up to Patton. Logan leaned against the counter, not having much to do but watch them argue playfully.

The smells from the pot were intoxicating. It wasn’t Patton’s cooking, or anyone but Janus’s cooking, that could make the aromas drift around the room, but rather the three of them sticking strictly to the recipe. They’d even been banned from adding their own bits of spices. Patton had attempted that once, and they never again spoke of it (although Remus had tried adding a few… unconventional ingredients once in a while.)

Patton took the potatoes out from their basket, handing them to Logan.

“Do you think you could do these?”

He nodded, rinsing them off under the tap. He searched around in a few drawers for the peeler, shaving off the skin. It was an easy job, he was just glad to have something to do. Once he’d finished, Remus grabbed two from the cutting board to start… juggling. 

“Remus!”

Patton and Logan both sighed as Logan moved to wrestle the potatoes as Remus dodged away from him, nearly dropping them in the process. Patton crept up behind him so he was sandwiched between them. It wasn’t hard for Logan to reach up and catch one at its peak, and for Patton to get the other one in his surprise.

“Hey!”

Remus reached for another potato, but was held back by Patton. Logan and Patton chuckled as Remus pouted, giving up on his struggle.

“You never let me have any fun.”

Patton let go. “The food’s gonna burn. And you remember how that went  _ last _ time.”

“Plus,” Logan resumed his spot, rinsing the potatoes that Remus had manhandled under cold water, “you have an entire Imagination to run around, you don’t need to juggle the potatoes.”

Patton returned to his job, allowing Remus to bounce around the room at his leisure.    


“Oh, could you cut those?”

Patton gestured to the potatoes, handing Logan a knife. Sharp and shiny.

He forced himself to take it, the object seeming heavier and scarier than it should. He gripped it tightly, trying to steady himself and his breathing. But the feeling was far too familiar as he cut.

He didn’t trust himself.

He jumped when he felt a hand on his back, then sinking into it. It was Remus. The knife was taken from him quickly, and he was pushed out of the way as Remus took his place. He sighed in relief, allowing Remus to hug him tight from the side.

He tapped out a breathing pattern on his leg, trying to divert his attention from knives and blades.

Thank god Remus was there, with his warm, comforting touch.

~~

“Logan?”

A weight settled beside him on the bed, and he looked up from his computer. Remus was kneeling there, sneaking his hand towards Logan’s. Its heat settled there, bringing a heat up to his cheeks.

“What do you need?”

Remus looked… sad. Worry was more accurate, as he leaned back on his feet.

“Are you gonna do something about…”

He paused, looking down. “About how you feel. You need to deal with that.”

Oh. That.

He’d been hoping he could ignore it for as long as he possibly could, but it had been him that had lectured Thomas on repression.

He just wished it could be over.

“I know, Remus.”

The creative side leaned towards him, offering a hand. Logan shifted a little closer, allowing Remus to hold his hand in a tight squeeze.

“I mean, there’s… there’s only so much I can do for you. I would be happy to help you get better and recover and stuff, but… I don’t know how. Janus and Patton- or Thomas, even, they could help you much better than I could. I don’t want you to-”

“I’m not gonna kill myself.”

Logan’s voice was unintentionally cold as he dug his nails into the palm of his free hand. He wasn’t sure if he believed what he’d just said. But he had to, and he was going to make Remus believe it too.

“Lo, that’s not the only problem. I don’t want you to  _ want _ to kill yourself. Well, I don’t want you to feel any kind of bad ever, but that’s kind of unavoidable.”

“I can figure this out on my own, Remus. I don’t need the assholes that haven’t given a shit about my mental health for years to help me.”

“Logan, there’s  _ no _ way you can do this all yourself-”

Logan ripped his hand from Remus’s grasp, pulling it to his stomach defensively. “Do you really think they’re going to help?!?!? They’ll act like they care, but the moment I do a  _ single  _ thing wrong, they’ll turn their backs on me. They aren’t gonna care if I’m fucking depressed. They never have! I’ll be  _ defective, useless, worthless _ to them. They’re gonna ignore me and ignore me like they  _ always _ have, they’re just gonna pretend I’m okay so they don’t have to deal with me. I can’t- I can’t live through that.”

“Logan, please, they won’t do that. I’ll tell them what they’ve done-”

“No offense, but do you really think  _ your _ opinion is going to matter to anyone but me?”

Remus didn’t have a reply. Logan knew exactly what he’d just said, and the creative side knew that he regretted it. But it was true. No one listened to him but Logan, and sometimes Janus. He was known for being stupid and saying dumb things. There was only so much of a difference his input could make.

“Fine. You can try and completely fix your mental health all on your own, but I can tell you it’s not gonna work. Talk to me once you’ve learned how to ask for help.”

Logan sighed as Remus left, disappointed in himself. He’d given up the only person who seemed to care about him just because he was too stubborn to improve his mental health. But still, he feared how the other sides would respond. And if they  _ tried _ to help and failed, he would fall further than he ever could in his current state.

He laid down, staring up at the ceiling. Wishing for death.

~~

_ “I took this form to be less intrusive.” _

The video sped through in a blur. He was unable to process much after his immediate rejection, thankful for his pixelated form where the tears couldn’t fall. He’d hoped… they would be kinder. But all he got was reassurance that they were tired of him and his facts.

He wanted to be better.

But no, he was as intrusive as Remus. And not in Remus’s endearing persistence, or sudden exclamations, or when he was just trying to do his job. Logic should be good enough, good enough at the very least to offer useful input.

He wished Remus was here.

He wished Remus was giving his hand a tight squeeze, offering reassurance and checking up to make sure their words weren’t causing him to panic. He wished he was there, trying to defend him with all his might even though he knew his voice wasn’t loud enough in the group.

He forced himself through it, through their ignorance and his misery. It wasn’t working, he could tell. They weren’t  _ listening. _

He wanted to die.

They could have passed it off as jokes or mistakes before, but now… it was like they weren’t even trying. They weren’t trying to keep up their streak of good and kind. He didn’t  _ matter _ here. Logic didn’t  _ matter _ when talking about feelings, he was just getting in the way. He deserved it. He wasn’t helping.

The shiny yellow and black ‘SKIP ALL’ button increased his pulse, breathing, immediately turning him lightheaded. 

Please don’t silence me.

Logan barely had time to think before cold wood hooked around his neck, pulling hard, choking him. He fell on carpet, hitting his head, though luckily not that hard. The cane around his neck was thankfully released, and he pushed himself up in an approximation of a sitting position.

Janus stood in front of him, holding the cane.

“Why…” he touched the tender area on his neck, “the hell would you do that?”

“You rest here, I’m gonna go-”

“You  _ asshole _ !”

Logan pushed himself up, presence big despite being shorter than Janus. 

“Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get their attention?!? Do you even  _ care _ ?!? I’m just trying to  _ help _ them, but they think I’m  _ useless!” _

He was half screaming, half crying. He was so  _ tired _ and so  _ done _ with everything they’d done. Kicking him out of the courtroom, forcing Thomas to suffer just because they didn’t want to listen to his facts, making him feel worthless-

_ You deserve those. _

“Logan, I just want to help you. It’s not going to make you feel better staying there. You have to know that.”

“What? Because I’m stupid?”

“Yes, that’s  _ exactly _ what I meant. I can get through to them, I’ll convince him to take care of himself, I promise.”

“So you agree with them. You know my opinion doesn’t matter to them. And you’re gonna go, and they’re going to listen to you. Because they’re tired of me.”

Janus sighed. “It’s not your fault.”

There was a pause. Logan looked to the side, sighing as well. “You’re impersonating me?”

Janus nodded.

Logan sighed. “I don’t know how much good it’ll do, just… try to make sure Patton doesn’t mess up any more than he already has.”

There was far more that he wanted to say. He wanted to beg Janus to stay with him, to repeat the advice that he knew he needed to use, but Thomas needed it more than him. He was fairly sure it wasn’t going to work. If they hadn’t listened to Logan, they likely wouldn’t listen to Janus disguised as Logan. But it was worth a try. Maybe he had helped, at least a little.

Janus left as he rubbed the bruise on his neck. He should get ice for it.

“Logan?”

He turned to see Remus poking out from the hallway, taking a tentative step.

“Are you okay?”

Logan hesitated, unsure if he should tell the truth. He so desperately wanted Remus’s comfort, but the creative side would push for him to ask for help, and he’d feel Remus’s disappointment harder than hugs could help.

“I… I need to be alone.”

Well  _ that _ surely wasn’t how he should’ve handled it.

He left, knowing Remus would be suspicious of his mental state, yet without the comfort he so desperately craved. It took all of his willpower not to start sobbing as he left, at least to make it to his room.

The sight he saw when he rose up made his heart plummet into his stomach.

Janus had done it.

He’d made them listen, done exactly what Logan had been trying to do the entire time.

But Janus was better.

Logan was useless, inconsequential, and  _ stupid.  _ He’d tried so long to be listened to, to be helpful, but maybe… it was just him that was the problem. He didn’t deserve the other sides’ attention, especially if he couldn’t get it. 

He felt tears prick at his eyes, holding back the sobs from his throat. He gave them something, hoping they would listen to a single fact, even if they’d kept telling him that his input was useless. Maybe slip in something else, desperate for their concern, despite knowing he wouldn’t take it. 

Patton tried to interrupt him, trying to ask if he was okay.

It was what he wanted, wasn’t it? But that sweet voice, full of worry, couldn’t mean anything right now. It didn’t matter when he couldn’t help but blame them, when he desperately wanted to silence them, force them to listen. If Patton was only able to start caring now, he didn’t want it.

He sunk out, as much as he could do from his text box, into his room. He sighed, sitting down, wanting to do nothing more than sleep. Tears began rolling down his face, a few sobs escaping his throat. He rubbed his neck, painfully reminded of the bruise.

An idea.

This desolate, miserable feeling could be easily cured, couldn’t it? They’d made it obvious that they didn’t want him around, so... 

Why should he stay?

He had promised Remus that he wouldn’t try again before asking for help. But today had only cemented the knowledge that they didn’t give a shit about him, so why the hell would they try to help?

It wouldn’t matter if he was gone.

Logan stood up to exit into the hallway. He needed to say goodbye to Remus. The walls felt cold and uninviting as he wandered through them, searching for Remus’s familiar voice.

He eventually found the creative side huddled under some blankets in his room, playing around with some sort of floating orb.

“Logan!” He lit up when he saw the logical side, jumping out of his bed to run up and hug him. “Are you... feeling better?”

Logan paused. “...A little.”

He held back the sob forming in his throat, burying his head in Remus’s neck, threading his fingers through Remus’s hair.

“You know I love you, right?”

Logan was sure his voice was noticeably wobbly. He held on as tightly as his arms would allow. This would be his last chance to do so.

“I love you too, Lo.”

Logan released his grip, turning to nearly run from Remus’s room. He wiped at the tears frantically, heading back towards his own room. He conjured rope on the way, testing its strength with his hands.

With a flick of his hand, he attached the rope to the ceiling, desperate to get this done fast. He was fully crying now; tears streamed down his face much faster than he could push them away. But he didn’t care at his point, tying the rope around his neck as he stood on his desk chair.

The abrasive surface tugged and prodded at the bruises as he moved.

He took a deep breath. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was terrified. He didn’t want to... die. He just wanted an exit.

He kicked the chair out from under him before he could think too much about it, the rope constricting around his neck. His tears dripped to the floor from his tightly shut eyes, but no more sounds came out. His hands weakly scratched at the rope, instincts desperately trying to keep him alive.

Before long, however, he felt warmth scratch around his neck and the rope. Something pushed him upwards, releasing a little bit of the tension on his neck. Something cold and sharp, and-

He was free.

He fell forwards into a pair of arms, head resting on a shoulder. He recognized the fabric as Remus’s elaborate costume. He stood there, nearly limp, before pulling his hands up to wrap around Remus. He tightened his arms, shoving his head into the fabric, sobs scratching at his throat. He didn’t dare say a thing, letting Remus rub soothing circles into his back, muttering reassurance that he desperately needed to hear.

~~

Logan felt a weight settle beside him on his bed. Remus had been with him all morning, promising him anything he needed. Logan had insisted he was fine being alone, but he wanted Remus there as Remus insisted on staying.

He felt fingers card through his hair, thankful for the affection.

“Are you feeling better? Don’t lie this time.”

Logan rolled over to face Remus, the creative side’s hand coming down to rest on his cheek instead. A small smile adorned Logan’s face.

“Yeah. Well, despite the fact that I never want to see Patton, Roman, or Janus’s face ever again.”

Remus laughed quietly, shifting so he could rest on his elbow. Logan closed his eyes as Remus continued to let his fingers wander absently around Logan’s face and hair.

“I’m sorry, Remus. I told you I wouldn’t try again. I should’ve talked to you, or talked to them, but instead I just... gave up.”

Remus put his arm around Logan’s waist, lying down properly so he was face-to-face with Logan.

“I’m just glad you’re here. You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

Logan said nothing, sinking into Remus’s blessed touch as his right hand replaced the left in his hair. It felt nice, very nice, to have a quiet moment like this, intimate and calm. Eventually the others would force him out, but he was going to do everything he could to grab moments like these. This was worth living for.

Remus was worth living for.

He felt Remus’s lips touch his forehead, his heart skipping a beat. Remus lingered, thumb paused on Logan’s cheek. He let himself fall away, pressing their foreheads together as his thumb sneaked down towards Logan’s lips.

Logan didn’t dare open his eyes, scared that he might ruin the moment with how he could guess Remus looked right now. He nodded, hoping that was enough confirmation for a kiss.

Remus kept it sweet and soft, lips just barely brushing past as he cupped Logan’s face with his full hand. Logan’s heart was beating quickly, focused in on the feeling.

Remus only lasted a moment after pulling back before bringing both hands to his cheeks, pressing back for a deeper kiss. Logan felt his mustache tickle on his upper lip, savoring the feeling before this would inevitably end.

It had been completely wordless, but words surely would have ruined it. Remus nuzzled into his neck, cuddling closer and bringing one arm around Logan. The other still lingered in his hair, warmth spreading across Logan’s cheeks. He knew Remus could feel his heartbeat, and if he were to open his eyes, see the bruises on his neck.

He let himself relax. Now wasn’t the time to be worried about yesterday. Now... he was with Remus. Not anybody that would ignore him, not with anybody that would pretend to care, not in any situation that made him want to kill himself, but with Remus. With Remus, he wasn’t scared of himself. With Remus, he was protected. 

With Remus, he was safe.


End file.
